Five beautifull hours

If, like me, you thought Bridget Jones went on about men too much in her diary (didn't she have any other purpose in life?), then don't read any further than the next paragraph. It gets a bit obsessive after that... ok then, very obsessive. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Yesterday was very busy- three solid hours Time Series (cold, hungry and tired again, for similar reasons (though I didn't even plan on getting anything to eat at college this time)- though we did finish half an hour early or so as in the first lesson the class voted for the option of going through the weeks' notes in one go after the problem session and finishing earlier rather than having a break in the middle- a Green Party committee meeting, then working some more on the leaflet of environmental tips with SC2 in one of the computer rooms- and that was just what I had scheduled: I actually got in a bit early (due to my plan of leaving an hour before I have to be in every day even though it only takes 35 minutes to cycle) and spent some time in a handy, and at 8.30, refreshingly almost deserted, computer room getting a few things done, and I went back to computers (library this time) after lunch; then after something like two hours' work on the leaflet, by which point we'd pretty much got it done, I did two hours of Computational Statistics- it needed doing and as I was in a position to carry on on the computer we'd been using, instead of having to hunt around for one, I thought I'd take the opportunity. Anyway, I was staying in college till 6 for a Green Party event. Last week, I managed to work through the chapter and complete the excercise in the class time, except for one or two small parts which were about interpretation of the data and which I wasn't too sure on; this time I had more than three quarters left to do. But apart from one stubborn bit where I just couldn't see where I was going wrong, I did manage to finish it all up by 6. I also copied and pasted the commands I was using into a text* document, so that I will actually be able to check them when the lecturer goes through the excercise on Monday.

But in spite of being very tired, and very busy, I was also happy- I may not be the most motivated person ever but when I do get stuck into things I enjoy myself more than when I'm just hanging around. And, though by the end of the day, having spent four consecutive hours in front of a computer, I was tireder than ever, the evening was the best part. Why so? Well, you remember the shifting crushes? Though focussed elsewhere just a day or two earlier, they had at this point settled quite heavily on the current male co-chair (I'll abbreviate to CMCC) of the Green Party**. I'd already had the pleasure of the committee meeting, and I'll confess to this being part of the reason why I went along to the evening event- I feel quite bad about that, but really it was more that I wanted to go anyway but in the ordinary way of things would probably have decided I was too tired and perhaps would have been a little uncertain whether it was really suitable for such a complete newcomer as me anyway; in this case the crush provided the impetus I needed to go for it.

It would have been a great event anyway- it was a hustings for the main speaker (male) position for the whole national Green Party, and we got to hear the three candidates give speeches and answer questions- and as CMCC said, it was a great opportunity because though open to anyone it was really aimed at the London local organisers of the party (I think they might have been called London Feds), and so gave a different perspective to what you would get at something like a conference where they were also in a way speaking to the rest of the country. But what made it really great from my point of view was that though two other LSE Green Party people came to the event itself, they didn't travel from LSE with us- I turned out to be the only person to come to the meeting point (though the event was mentioned in an email, CMCC didn't say anything about it at the committee meeting so some people may have forgotten; in any case, it may not have appealed to people enough to be worth a trek out to Archway in the evening). At one point as we were waiting CMCC said almost apologetically that he wasn't sure if anyone else would come; I refrained from saying that that was nice. So it was just the two of us most of the time while we waited (another of the shifting crushees who is good friends with CMCC and in fact is the Ex-Male-Co-Chair, came along and chatted for a bit but wasn't able to come to the event), and then on the journey to Archway. Before getting the tube we popped into Kantan- a Japanese restaurant/ take away lunch place I'd vaguely heard about but never been to before, which turned out to have rice with any toppings (including peanuts, seaweed, ginger, chilli sauce, spring onions and much more for only just over a pound (very much worth remembering considering the price of sandwiches at LSE and around); CMCC had peanuts, spring onion and chilli sauce which would also be what I would have chosen except that I couldn't be a copycat so I ordered the same without the chilli sauce; then CMCC's serving of spring onion turned out to be the last bit they had left so I just had peanuts. Incidentally, it came out in the course of this that he is also vegetarian*** and that his parents too met at university and became vegetarian, though I think he went on to say they didn't keep it up and he wasn't brought up vegetarian- I'm not quite sure though because at that moment he was interrupted by paying and afterwards the subject of conversation had changed.

Of course, the journey was a great chance to talk to him- particularly as we managed not to have checked which branch the train we got on at Tottenham Court Road would be going up**** and only realised this just as the door were closing at Camden Town, necessitating another couple of trains to get on the right track- and also because he's pretty talkative which completely did away with the awkward silences I usually can't seem to get across with someone I like (and sometimes just with people I don't know very well). He told me a lot about the event and the speakers, as well as more general things about the Green Party and politics as a whole. He just knows an amazing amount about it all, and is really passionate about it too*****, so it was great to listen to him- though worryingly my voice didn't seem to come out right (probably a combination of tiredness and the crush) and I sounded very bored to myself- I hope that wasn't how it came across to him. We didn't only talk about politics, though, which was just as well as whilst I was happy to go on listening for hours, I actually had 0 contribution to make, and, even though it is of course hopeless and will have to remain a crush (and in a few weeks or so, will sadly probably have to be got over), that didn't stop me wanting to demonstrate that I was an interesting person whose company was enjoyable; I think I did say some things that pointed in that direction though as always when trying to impress someone, I also came out with a lot of complete drivel, such as my remark that it was nice that they'd decided not to decorate all the underground stations the same as that would have been boring, or my statement, a propos of nothing, that I didn't know why, but I'd always really hated the mural at Tottenham Court Road.

Sadly, I missed a chance to say something that could have come out as quite witty or at least observant, when I noticed that the Mc Donald's near Archway tube was actually on McDonald Rd- I would have said something like "I wonder if that's a coincidence?", but CMCC was in the middle of a piece of political exposition and by the time he'd finished the moment had passed. We sat on a bench and ate the Kantan rice, then went on to the meeting, which was in a tiny room smaller than most of the LSE classrooms; we were slightly late but it was ok. The other two from LSE weren't there yet so we took the last two seats (right at the front) and I thus got to sit next to him for the whole meeting. He'd been telling me that he knew two of the candidates to a certain extent (the established two as opposed to the newcomer) and they'd both come to speak at LSE the previous year; one of them, Derek, I think he was called though I've forgotten his second name, he had had some connection with I think, he might have done an internship with him or something like that******, and Derek (I would use his second name if I knew it) knew him to speak to (which was quite impressive). Though I'm sure he was keeping an open mind about the candidates, it was interesting to see how he reacted around them and note his preference for Derek (though I'm not claiming to have guessed this from carfull observation- I asked him beforehand which candidate he favoured before going to the hustings). He clearly had a lot of respect for Derek, and was maybe to a certain extent, consciously or sub-consciously, wanting his good opinion. CMCC actually asked a question during the question time, which I thought was rather brave, but then he isn't afraid of standing up and speaking (he's pretty active in the Union).

Afterwards, we joined the two other LSE people (whom I hadn't even realised had come in), and then went to a nearby pub that a lot of the other people there, including the candidates, were going to- it was quite sweet to see how much CMCC wanted to go though he was trying to be casual about it. Once there I actually managed in a completely natural way to buy him a drink- he said aloud, half to himself, that he had hardly any money on him, so I said I had a whole £5 and offered to get him one. I know it means absolutely nothing- that the possibility of anything other than friendship has not even crossed his mind- but I still derived a certain satisfaction from seeing him drinking a drink I'd bought him. It also meant I was able to leave him to talk to some of the candidates and the other party people without getting in the way or standing around on my own looking abandoned- it took quite a while to get served as of course there'd been a great rush of people all at once what with everyone coming from the event. Though I suppose in any case now I think about it I wouldn't have been standing on my own as the other LSE people were there. Tearing myself away from my obsession, I had an interesting conversation with both of them. One was the Female Co-Chair, and also Residences Officer for the Students' Union- a part time rather than sabbatical position; like CMCC (Environment and Ethics Officer) she's continuing with her degree at the same time- and I remembered reading the message board on the Students' Union website where people can post queries about accommodation and she answers them before coming; somehow though I've seen her at two Green Party committee meetings and a Union General Meeting, I hadn't quite made the connection up till then. The other was the Returning Officer, whom I'd also seen around- I think he has to be present at every union election whether it be for the committee of a society or electing a chair for the UGM. So it was interesting to actually talk to him. He was asking about why I'd wanted to do statistics, and the three of us had a conversation about local pride and identity (CMCC was talking to one of the Green Party people).

Then we headed back; the Returning Officer was going back by bus and the Female Co-Chair getting a different branch of the Northern line, so once again we were alone together- of course it was over all too quickly. We were having a really interesting conversation about music when Tottenham Court Road came up (he was going on to Waterloo and back home, where he was apparently going to pick up some washing to take to FCC's halls- his washing machine takes ages. It seemed a funny time of night (11pm) to be trekking across London to do laundry, and I didn't quite see that it was still going to be quicker once journey time had been factored in, but there you go). A pleasant cycle through the quiet streets of nighttime London and the day was over.

For the record, I might as well state the reasons why it's hopeless, quite apart from the fact that being a crush it probably wouldn't be a solid foundation for a relationship even if by some miracle he was interested.

1. I don't even know whether he's straight- if he happens to be gay it would obviously be a non-starter, and I don't have any evidence either way*******
2. Assuming he's straight, I don't know if he has a girlfriend already- he hasn't mentioned one and nor has anyone else, but though I'm probably biased I would have said he can't be short of offers- and though the thing with the laundry may be exactly what it seems, it doesn't really make perfect sense and so maybe he and the FCC are more than good friends? But they didn't seem to act in a way that would back that up when they were together
3. Even if he's straight and single, it's unlikely he'd be interested in me. I'm not actually sure even whether he genuinely sees me as a new friend or is just nice to everyone- since he is nice to everyone it's hard to tell. This also means I'm not sure whether I'm hanging round him too much- but I've only been to Green Party events and bumped into him once or twice today, it's not like I've invited myself to things or been stalking him or anything. So I'm hoping I'm ok...
   

Reasons why he probably wouldn't be interested:

1. He's passionate about politics, specifically Green Party politics, and I not only know nothing about politics but even if I knew everything would still be completely unskilled and naive at understanding them
   
2. Though we weren't talking seriously about politics all the time and did laugh together a bit, that part wasn't a very high percentage. No matter how much he likes talking about politics, he's not going to want a girlfriend who just sits there and listens, he's going to want someone who's a bit more fun- everyone does (And I am fun- it's just that I can't seem to access the fun part with everybody: some people naturally have a personality that brings it out, and his doesn't (though it's not the worst I've seen... that would probably be the bloke I had a crush on in halls in my first year at UCL)).
   
3. He may not have done the maths- he may not even have all the necessary information (length of degree, number of years since graduation) but I have and I'm five years older than him. Yes, five. I know, I know, how embarrassing. How can I possibly have a crush on someone five years younger than me? (Never mind how can I even have a crush at all at 24 when you'd think I'd have grown out of them). All I can say is that he doesn't feel five years younger- he feels about two years older. To me. For all I know, I seem absolutely ancient to him. In any case, I wouldn't be surprised if he's ruled me out (had he even considered me) if he has realised just what the age gap is. If he doesn't know I did a four year undergraduate degree and that I had another year after I came back from Japan he'll still think I'm three years older if he's worked it out. If he hasn't (which he probably hasn't- after all he's not a mathematician so probably doesn't feel compelled to be adding everything up all the time), he still knows I'm a postgraduate which must put me in the 'old' bracket.
   
4. In a seemingly contradictory point, he is, as I say, in mental terms actually older than me. I may paradoxically be both too old and too immature for him. (In an ideal world these points would cancel out and my seniority would make up for my lower mental age- but this is not an ideal world and I think both points together will actually be worse than either separately)
   I haven't managed to come across as an interesting person but have been despite my best efforts playing the nonentity
   
5. Due to the crush- well not directly due to the crush, in fact it would be more accurate to say that the crush is due to this- I have a lot of respect for him. Respect is a good thing of course, to a certain extent, but not when it's present to such a degree that you can't open up and be yourself with a person, and when you're looking at them through worshipping rather than recognising-as-interesting-human-being-with-flaws-and-frailties-like-the-rest-of-us eyes. People don't tend to like those who respect them to that extreme degree- they just think they're rather pathetic.
   

As I say, he's been friendly to me, but I can't tell whether it's really a friendship he wants or if he's just putting up with me in his default friendly manner. I'm happy to be not entirely spurned, and, despite all the above, currently riding the optimistic part of the curve- those reasons are all put forward by my rational side, my other side is quite happy to say "just because he's given no sign of interest yet....". It does make a change having a crush on someone so friendly- with previous crushes I've barely been able to find two sentences to string together and they weren't interested in building a friendship on their part- and also someone with the particular quirk I've noticed of having no concept of personal space. Unlike most people, it doesn't bother him if the bodies of two people happen to touch when they're sitting next to each other- and this happened several times the other night. It was a queer sensation- there was no emotional kick or whoomph inside when it happened because I knew that nothing was intended by it. But at the same time I was happy to be so close... particularly on the way back when we happened to be sitting with our heads fairly close together and I kept on thinking how nice it would be to kiss him... Sigh. I know it probably wouldn't work, but I'd just like the chance to find that out the long way round- ie the way where I actually get to go out with him for a few weeks before it's clear that we're not right for each other. As it is, I'll just carry on with the crush for a few more weeks untill I crest the rise and the other side accepts it'll never happen, and the combinded pessimism of both sides makes the very thought of him so frustrating that I have to de-crush by forcing myself to think about something else every time he pops into my mind. Not easy, and not fun- I believe I read somewhere that due to the release of something in the brain it's actually a chemical addiction that I'll have to wean myself off. But probably better than just getting depressed about it.

*I wanted to do a rich text document, but it didn't seem to be possible?!?

**I'm not usually this fickle

***He mentioned that peanuts were a good source of protein for him as a vegetarian and I was able to trump him (ha!) by saying in an interested tone of voice that I supposed I didn't really think about it, what with having been a vegetarian all my life...

****even though I thought I was an expert on the Northern line after having lived in Camden in the first year of UCL, near Elephant and Castle in the third, and having commuted from Turnpike Lane to Golder's Green down on the Piccadilly line and up on the correct branch of the Northern for five weeks in the summer after my second year, when I did my TEFL course

*****probably a big part of what I like about him

******Actually in spite of being fascinated by it I've forgotten nearly everything he said, due I think to sheer volume, and my being tired, but possibly also to a small degree because I kept on getting distracted every now and again by how wonderfull it was to be alone with him- well as much as you can be alone in the middle of London

*******Though I assume that he is one or the other, or both, what with the vast majority of the population falling into one of these categories, in a strange way, like with lecturers, work colleagues, or other people met in a serious context it actually seems an insult to attribute a sex drive to him