I fail

Well, I didn't really believe I would, but I did it. I missed the presentation for the group project, and I failed. The good news is that I was wrong about what it was that one would fail if one was late to the session- it was (very very fortunately) not, after all, the whole Computational Statistics course. It wasn't even the Group Project. It was just the presentation part of the Group Project. Obviously that's still pretty bad, and if I could turn time back and make it there by 9.30 this time I would certainly do that, but at least it's only 10% of the course. I'll just have to try my best to do really well in the individual project and exam.

What happened was that I woke at 7.30 when my alarm went off, then intended to have three lots of five more minutes before really getting up. I'd planned this the night before and worked out that getting up at 7.45 I could still be there probably by nine but definitely before nine thirty. However I must have been so tired that I forgot how to reset the alarm properly, or fell asleep halfway through- I remember typing in 7.35 but nothing after that.

So I woke up suddenly, thought 'God, I've overslept, what's the time? I'm probably late!', found that it was 10, and got dressed and went into college as quickly as possible. The bus was really slow, but I wasn't panicking because I was pretty certain that what time I arrived wasn't going to make any difference now- it was past 9.30 so I would have been failed. Though I still hoped I might get in in time to take my place in the presentation, if our group had been drawn near the end. On the bus, I got a call from K, and told him I was on my way. He said they had failed me. He didn't say whether our group had already gone, but somehow I thought they probably had.

The bus terminated at City Thameslink annoyingly, and though last time this happened I just walked the rest of the way, and though I didn't think arriving five minutes earlier would make a difference, I did get on the one in front as I thought it would be quicker.

I arrived outside the classroom in time to see my group showing the Guinness ad (our historical statistical figure ws WS Gossett who worked for Guinness, and looks as though he's one of the animated figures in the ad). As far as I was aware, this was planned to come at the end, so I thought 'Well, I've missed it; no point in disrupting it by coming in now, I'll wait till it's over.' But then C did his part, and I realised that in what might be a great irony but is actually probably just co-incidence or good/ bad luck, I had arrived at exactly the point that I should have been presenting- they had run the video at the end of M's bit on the historical figure instead of right at the end, and I was next. Had I realised that, I would have come in during the video and done my presentation even though I was sure I would still fail for not being there at 9.30. But C was talking and it was too late- I couldn't disrupt that. So I waited till the whole presentation was finished and then came in, and listened to the last two.

I still can't believe I arrived at exactly the point I was supposed to go on.

We filled in course evaluation forms at the end (I still believed I was failing the whole thing at this point), and then I went to apologise to the lecturer, and ask if I could still do the individual project and the exam as they would be usefull learning excercises even though I knew I would have to fail. I didn't even get through all of that before he said something that made it clear that it wasn't the whole course I was failing. He didn't even seem that annoyed about it, and told me not to worry about it as I couldn't do anything out it now, and that I would still have 90% of the course marks available. Is that one of the advantages of coming top in the mini test, I wonder? Would he have been as nice to someone who came near the bottom? I'd like to think it was because I was so contrite, and it was clearly an accident- he's a nice guy so probably it was. He also said that other people had done the same thing- in previous years, I think, not this time.

K was really nice about it too- I caught up with him afterwards and apologised (in particular because it must have made the presentation flow less smoothly to have big chunks missing- though at least there was no part of the project other than the historical figure that had to be included in the presentation, it was up to groups to decide what they wanted to include, so the group won't be penalised for being missing my topics). He asked if they had failed me, and I explained that fortunately it was just for the presentation, but he still seemed a bit surprised that there was no possibility of avoiding that now. Even though it wasn't losing any of the others any marks, I wouldn't have blamed them for being at least mildly annoyed, if not actually angry, so it was nice of him not to*. When I apologised to them separately, M said 'water under the bridge', but I couldn't tell whether it really didn't bother him or whether it did but he was just being nice about it. I guess the phrasing would suggest the latter. C didn't say anything- I was apologising to him at the same time as M so I guess he thought they didn't both need to say something.

So why did I oversleep? Was it those People and Planet cocktails? I'm inclined to think not- I was only very mildly tipsy afterwards and didn't get back that late (10.30). I think it would have happened anyway, though I can't prove that. It could be Sunday's all nighter, and even the ones before, and I was feeling quite ill yesterday when I was doing those powerpoint slides- I felt feverish, and I did have a temperature, and a bit of a stomach ache as well. That could be due to the all nighter or it could be due to dipping my finger in a pot of cream that smelled ok and tasting it, and finding that it didn't taste too good. I didn't mention that I'd been feeling ill though- I feel fine today (though I have been sneezing a bit), I don't have a doctor's note (had I thought I was ill enough, I still wouldn't have one as ironically I was far too busy working hard to get the slides done that I would not in the event use. And I had no idea that I was going to miss the presentation), and I'm not even sure I was ill- it could just have been tiredness and not having had lunch. And of course, even though I did feel rather zonked, my going to the People and Planet thing does rather go against this claim: 'If you're well enough to go to that, then...' The terrible truth is that the oversleeping may have had nothing to do with the People and Planet meal, the all-nighter or feeling ill. After all, look at how many lectures I missed over the past few weeks. I've just got into the rut of a bad habit. I need to make sure I get out of it for next term.

The really terrible thing is that afterwards I suddenly had distant memories of Final year- I'm not sure, but I have a vague idea that I did exactly this, minus a People and Planet event and an all-nighter or two, with the project for final year- I believe dire things were threatened for latecomers then too and that I was still late (but, I think, actually did deliver my presentation on that occasion). This could, come to think of it, explain why I got a lower mark for the project than my supervisor had told me I was on course for... Honestly, to do it once is bad enough, but to do it twice just shows an inability to learn from mistakes**. What not to put in the Learning and Improving competency section when applying for the Civil Service...

So it was totally my fault, and I'm only failing the 10% presentation. But here's what I was thinking in the bus on the way in (the inconvenient actual facts that insisted on forcing their way into my internal monologue are included in square brackets):

I did more work than anyone on this project [I only did slightly more than K or M, I think- but it's hard to judge and I may have done an equal amount; if I did much more than C it's because I was happy with it that way- it didn't bother me that K, M and I met up several times when he had lectures and couldn't make it (since he was ok with it)- after all he didn't really contribute much when he was there, and in many ways it was better without him because it saved him interrupting complicated thought processes with questions that were so simple they were very hard to answer (because you wondered which bit he could not be getting, because if he didn't understand that part he generally also didn't understand all the other stuff that needed explaining in order to answer the question, and because it can be really difficult breaking down things that are obvious to you if they're not obvious to the person you're trying to explain them to)- he had a knack of asking them just at the points where I was about to work out how to do something crucial. Yes, this was probably a great chance to improve my skills of Nurturing and Fostering Others' Personal Development (which they tend to ask about on application forms and in interviews annoyingly often)- but with a project to get done, and only limited time to work together before someone had to rush off to a lecture, I didn't feel inclined to spend hours bringing him up to speed. I probably should have done, but I didn't], but precisely because I did more work than anyone, and stayed up all night on Sunday, and spent the night in the library on Thursday, I managed to miss the presentation [actually not because of that, see above- and it should also be noted that one reason I stayed up both times was due to doing extra-curricular environmental stuff during the day- which the others were kind enough to let me go to (in the case of Thursday- wasn't relevant on Sunday as I was working alone), but which really messed them around a bit- I should have put the project first], and so ironically, my working so hard means that everyone else will get good marks (for the write-up and presentation) but that I will fail. Still, I'm not bitter- I'd much rather someone got the marks- it'd be really awfull if this was an individual project and they just went to waste.

In the end, I think I am, strangely, more disappointed at not getting to do the presentation, which I was all psyched up for, and quite looking forward to in a funny kind of way, than I am about having already failed 10% of one course (maybe because, a blow though it is, it does seem rather trivial in comparison to what I thought was going to happen to me***). And this time, I am definitely going to learn from this, and make damn sure that next time there is something with unfortunate consequences attached to missing it, I do not oversleep.

I didn't really know what to do with myself over the next few hours, till Principles and Methods. It had been such a long time since I hadn't had project, meetings or lectures at every point in the day- or at any rate, it felt like a long time. I could have gone to the library and made a start on reading over the stuff I missed from Principles and Methods a week or two ago, or begun tackling the backlog of Principles and Methods or Time Series homeworks (or even the smaller Computational Stats backlog), or indeed just had a go at this week's. But somehow I didn't really seriously consider any of that. There was so much I didn't feel I'd know where to start. Instead, I sat and read the Beaver in the library vestibule for a bit, then went and had lunch in the Brunch Bowl. Then I phoned my dad about coming home for the holiday- I knew I was going to be too busy to phone most evenings this week. Flatmate 7 practically invited herself to come home with me when I go, just for the day (not in a nasty way though- I mean it is a little awkward but I don't feel like she was being pushy or anything), so I'd decided I'd do better to go home in the morning so she can have some time to see the countryside where I live and have lunch with us and so on. Since I have plans with Ginger on Friday and don't feel confident of being up and doing at a very early hour on Saturday, that means going home on Sunday or Monday. When she mentioned coming home with me, I reflexively said something along the lines of 'that'd be great', and though the way she put it was 'if you're going home in the morning', somehow I was agreeing a second or two before I thought 'Hold on, I was going to go home on Saturday evening'. Rather than turn round and say 'Actually, no, I'm going home on Saturday evening', I decided to rearrange my plans. But it's not just an inconvenience with no benefit- I decided that in that case it would be nice to have a night watching DVDs with my new free speakers with L and Flatmate 7. L can't make it as she's off to Korea the day before (she's not Korean, but she spent a year there teaching English and for some reason is going back to visit rather than going home to America for the holidays), but Flatmate 7 is in. Flatmate 3, who gave me the speakers, is in Hong Kong already so can't really make it either.

Principles and methods was ok. Still rather trying, but I've got used to it not being great by now.
Then we had the Statistics and Risk and Stochastics Postgraduate Christmas Party. LJ went too. It was at 5.30, and Principles ended at 5, so we decided to check our emails first. LJ confidently led me into the Old Building where she claimed there was a computer room open 24 hours. I was interested as I'd never been to one there before. But it turned out she'd got disorientated and thought she was in the East Building, and was actually making for C120 (which incidentally is not 24 hours as that's the one we got turfed out of the Thursday I stayed the night in the library). So we crossed over the bridge (which meant walking up a few flights of stairs then trying to remember which level the bridge was on), and then had quite an excursion through the East Building, as we got all the way down one end only to find out that where we thought we'd get into the Clare Market Building, the door opened onto open air, so we had to go back and try and work out how to get there. We made it in the end though. And I thought I knew my way around so well by now.

The party was ok. The lecturer for Regression next term was going round introducing himself to everyone. He turned out to be a bit of a bore, and had a habit of speaking over other people's responses to what he was saying, but luckily as he was introducing himself to everyone he didn't spend long with us. Apart from him, we didn't mingle much- LJ and I just talked to one or two other people. This was probably our fault rather than it being a long party- but I was feeling rather drained after the project in spite of oversleeping, and not in the mood to go out of my way to engage people, mostly ones I hadn't really met before (because they were Risk and Stochastics people, or just because I hadn't happened to talk to them) in conversation. The food was quite nice, but didn't arrive till about an hour after we got there, by which time LJ and I were pretty hungry. We both decided to leave at 7, when we'd been there an hour and a half, which I kind of felt bad about (especially as it was just after we finished eating so it looked like we just came for the free food). But I wasn't having that great a time- it was ok- and I really wanted to see Tokyo Monogatari. I thought due to the layout of the place (upstairs in Pitcher and Piano on Kingsway) that we could kind of slip out without anyone really seeing, but another girl from our class saw us going, and asked me if we were leaving, which was fine, and the Computational Statistics lecturer said the same to LJ which was not so good- as it was a departmental thing I felt we were kind of letting him down, and given what happened this morning I really didn't want to be doing that. If it had been me he was talking to I would have said something like 'I'm having a great time, but I'm just so tired- been doing so much work on the project recently. I just want to get home and have an early night' even though that wasn't the reason I was leaving early. But LJ said that I wanted to go to the film, and she was going with me (one of those deliberately misleading sentences since that was true in the sense of 'leaving' with me and not in the sense of 'going to the film' with me- the reason she was leaving early was that she was going out with friends later and wanted to get home and change)- I didn't hear the conversation, in fact I didn't even notice the lecturer there at all, but LJ told me after. As I say, I did feel bad about it because I've organised things in the past and know how important it is to whoever is behind an event that it be successfull. On the other hand, there were something like 50 people there who all seemed to be having a good time so perhaps our early departure wasn't of momentous impact.

Tokyo Monogatari was good. It was actually better than I remembered. Visually and musically it's a beautifull film, and it's quite subtle and interesting (well compared to some things anyway). It was made in the 50s, I think, and is about an old couple who go to Tokyo to visit their children, but they're busy with their own lives and can't really be bothered with them. But Noriko, the widow of one of their sons, genuinely cares for them and really takes time with them and interacts with them. Then shortly after they get back home the mother becomes critically ill and the son and daughter and Noriko come from Tokyo. There is another daughter living with the parents, and a son in Osaka who doesn't make it back till after she dies. The two sons and the daughter from Tokyo are apparently sad at her death and regret not spending more time with her when she was alive, but after the funeral they rush back home again, basically unchanged, leaving Noriko to stay an extra night with the father and other daughter. It ends with the father sitting alone in his sitting room looking sad and lonely. Though the story is about the parents, and they take up much of the screen time, it's Noriko who really steals the show. I believe she's played by a pretty famous Japanese actress, but I don't know her name.

It was interesting to see how I'd progressed since seeing it for the first time in Final year. I still didn't get any of it without looking at the subtitles, but whereas last time I recognised about 10 words apart from 'Really?' 'Oh right'. 'Hello!' and 'See you later', this time I found that about half the sentences or maybe more I could hear what all the words were and understand all of them with the prompting of the subtitle. Like if they had been written down or spoken more slowly I'd have managed without. And that was even true of some of the heavily dialect speech of the old couple. So that was quite encouraging!

*I'm not quite sure how I feel about K. I had a, shall we say, interesting dream about him over the weekend, and woke up thinking 'that was nice', and once or twice when I've been talking to him I've unintentionally imagined kissing him. But I don't have a crush on him, and I don't even have a particularly strong platonic liking for him. He seems nice enough, but I really don't know him that well. I think maybe what it is is that even though I'm sure he doesn't, the way he laughs along with me somehow lets me imagine that he fancies me, and I quite like the way I can imagine I look through his eyes. I like the idea of being with someone who sees me like that (whether you take 'being' to be in a physical or a relationship sense!). As I say, it's probably all in my mind. But it does confuse my view of him, since it's fairly heavily based on that fiction and not on real solid things like what sort of person he is.

**Whereas paraphrasing Oscar Wilde is simply something for which there is no excuse, even for a single offence

***Interestingly, as much as the jeopardy it put getting a good degree classification into (since there are some classes you can't get with a failed course, I think, and in any case it would mean needing better marks in all the other courses), I was unhappy to be failing Computational Statistics on social grounds- though it was only a half-conscious feeling, and I've only just realised that's how I felt. I could see everyone else doing their individual project and revising for the exam, and getting the group project marks back, and I would no longer be part of that group, even if I was allowed to do the individual project and exam unassessed. I would be outside the circle.